Work(ing Title)

Have you ever seen them? Some people have them folded up inside their wallets, while others pass digital versions around the net like coveted treasure maps. They are menu crib sheets, and they have grown into existence like some repulsive cough medicine used to combat the common cold that is phone trees.

When you leave a voice message for someone these days you’re given a pre-flight instruction, followed by an awkward opportunity to communicate something that could be meaningful but rarely is, and finally you have a number of post-game options. Would you like to replay the message you just spoke (to be sure you properly enunciated ‘nipple-clamp‘)? Or would you prefer to re-record your message (in order to be sure your language regarding that saltwater eel exorcism is clear)?

I think it’s obvious that these sort of training wheels are doing all of us a disservice. Should the system really be built to protect the innabilities of the moronic in communicating brief chunks of information? Shouldn’t we employ a bit of Darwinian logic to the competition for each other’s time and attention? Can we stop coddling those who would rather sing us a song about their wacky screw-up involving dropping the kids off at the dry-cleaners?!

Let me be clear in that I have no issue with the concept of voicemail. I won’t stand here and tell you that we should simply deal in either realtime conversation or delayed text communications. No, voicemail has it’s place. When I want to tell my girlfriend that my train will be arriving at the opposite end of Gare du Nord from hers, and that she should follow the signs for the ‘Eurostar’ when she arrives, then voicemail is a perfectly acceptable way to do so. However it is downright abuse when my co-worker calls once and leaves no message, only to set my pocket vibrating again, and ultimately leaves a message with nothing more than a hushed, “Call me as soon as you can, or come find me the minute you get back into the office…”

Therefore we must simplify the voicemail system, and in doing so increase its intelligence. Eradicate all of these ridiculous options. No preschool explanations of what’s going to happen after the tone, and no opportunities for masking your own verbal incapabilities. Just listen to my pre-recorded message, speak your piece, and then hang up. But how does that solve the problem of long and useless messages you ask–Well I’m so glad you did.

Enriching the relationship between the voicemail service and the handset will enable everyone to do better triage. If the phone can understand how many individual voicemails are waiting and who each of them is from, then they could be dealt with in a non-linear fashion. I could decide who I care to hear from most, and simple rules and filters would ensure that the long-winded rants from my mother won’t get ignored along with the rest of the nonsense.

Thanks Sampy for the inspiration :)